


An Image Not Needed

by Floople_Doople



Series: THE SUBAKI ANGST WOOP [2]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dear god what have I done, Fluff, Gen, Hana's POV, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Major Character Injury, Probably ooc, Read with Caution pls, Regrets, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Some dialouge, Triggers, but still, mostly angst tho, the other retainers aren't there long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 16:25:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11535993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floople_Doople/pseuds/Floople_Doople
Summary: Hana knew something wasn't right about Subaki when he first became a retainer under Lady Sakura. She just never imagined what it was exactly.AKA MY WAY OF ATONING FOR MAKING POOR SUBAKI SUFFERhot damn I wasn't expecting this to be so longTRIGGER WARNINGREAD WITH CAUTION





	An Image Not Needed

Hana had always thought there was something off with Subaki. Not in like the ‘he’s secretly a villain’ kind of way, but more of a depressing kind of way. From the moment they had first met, Hana had almost never seen a genuine smile from Subaki. Of course, he was almost always smiling. But, it just didn’t seem genuine. It seemed almost fake. Which seemed crazy at first, because why would someone fake a smile? How could you fake a smile in the first place?

It was still a bit alarming at first.

Hana recalled when she and Sakura had first met the red-haired pegasus rider. He had arrived at the castle on his pegasus. Hana guessed that he was going to ask to apply for the position of second retainer to Sakura, since he landed right in front of her. Or, he tried to. He ended up falling off of his pegasus. Hana remembers laughing, because gods damn it that was hilarious while Sakura was the one who tried to help him up.

Apparently, Subaki had been embarrassed enough to actually get back up on his pegasus and fly away. He didn’t even let Sakura help him get up, nor did he turn around when Sakura called for him to come back. Sakura had asked Hana to keep an eye out for him, because she had just found her second retainer. Hana had been a bit surprised, but she said she’d keep an eye out for him.

A few weeks later, Hana had been running through town when she accidentally bumped into Subaki in front of a fancy house. It was one of those houses the upper-class people lived in. For some reason, Subaki had been standing in front of the house when Hana literally ran into him. Even though Hana had been the one to knock him down to the ground, Subaki had jumped up from the ground and had apologized over and over.

Hana had found that strange, and commented on how she was the one to literally knock him down in the first place. Subaki had looked up, for some reason confused, and Hana recognized him as the boy who fell off of his pegasus. She took the opportunity to say that Sakura had wanted to see him. While Subaki was surprised, she dragged him towards his pegasus, who was standing nearby for some reason, and started flying towards the castle.

Well, she tried to at least. As it turns out, Hana had no idea whatsoever on how to fly a pegasus. Thankfully, the pegasus knew how to get to the castle.

To this day, Hana tried to figure out how in the hell the pegasus knew how to get to the castle.

The important thing was that they got there. Hana dragged Subaki to Sakura’s room, and that was when Sakura had asked Subaki to be her retainer. Subaki had accepted, sounding surprised. To be honest, Hana had been surprised at first as well. Then Sakura had told her about Subaki, and Hana was impressed. It made sense as to why she’d choose Subaki as a retainer.

Over the next few years, the three of them became quite close. Close enough that Hana was able to realize that Subaki never had a genuine smile. Again, he smiled a lot, but it wasn’t genuine. It never was. Hana guessed that Sakura knew this as well, but neither of them ever mentioned it.

Then came the Faceless ambush.

While Hana had never found Subaki scary before, she couldn’t help but feel slightly unnerved, to say the least.The moment one of those Faceless had attacked Sakura, all hell broke loose. By that, she meant that Subaki had turned into a whole different person. Or, it seemed like it, seeing as how merciless he was at practically ripping apart those Faceless.

She told him this later on, when he was in the infirmary recovering from his injuries from the Faceless. Out of the three of them, he had sustained the most injuries. It was almost alarming how injured he was.

Sakura then suggested Subaki go visit his parents, just so that they could see that their son was alive and well.

Hana was of course suspicious when she saw Subaki tense up the first time Sakura had suggested, more of insisted actually, that he go visit his parents after the ambush from all of those Faceless. It was only for a second, one of those blink-and-you-miss-it moments. Sakura didn’t seem to notice, but Hana had. She hadn’t questioned it though. If it was something personal for Subaki, she did not want to pry.

She just didn’t expect him to come back injured.

Of course she had noticed him limping when he came back to the castle after a week at his parents home. He had straightened up, a pleasant smile on his face as he reassured her everything was alright. She was skeptical, but she believed him. After all, Subaki would have told her or Sakura if something was wrong.

Oh, how wrong she was.

Hana had been frantic with worry when Subaki had suddenly collapsed in pain, and during their training of all times. Hana had thought she had injured him, so she ran off to go get Sakura. When they got back, and saw that Subaki couldn’t even stand, Hana realized something was definitely wrong.

The entire week he had been in the infirmary, she and Sakura had questioned him, asking him questions, trying to get him to tell them what had happened, and who it as that did this to him. Subaki always came up with some dumb excuse for how the injuries happened, that neither Sakura or Hana believed.

He never answered the second question.

Hana swore that she would avenge him by finding whoever did this to him and teaching them a lesson. Subaki...he hadn’t seemed too thrilled about that. In fact he seemed almost upset, for some reason. That’s when Hana was first putting the pieces together...and came to a horrifying conclusion. She refused to believe it. Absolutely refused.

For the next few days after Subaki got out of the infirmary, Hana had followed him, just to make sure he was okay. That he would be okay. Eventually, Subaki did ask her why she was following him around so much. She admitted to him that she was following him to make sure he’d stay safe. Perhaps she shouldn’t have said that, because what Subaki said next horrified Hana to her very soul.

He said that he wasn’t worth protecting. She should be following Sakura to keep her safe, since Subaki didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve being protected. In fact, he shouldn’t even be her retainer at all if he can’t even do one simple little task of protecting Sakura. That he was a mistake, a screw up, and he shouldn’t even be here if he can’t do something so simple.

Hana couldn’t stop the tears that began falling from her eyes. Did he really think that of himself? It’s not true! None of it was true! She told him that he was worth protecting, he was not a mistake or a screw up, that he was important. She said it all through her tears, wanting so desperately for Subaki to know he was important, that he was definitely worth something…

She couldn’t continue. She was so upset she couldn’t think clearly. All she was able to think about was why Subaki would think this of himself. Sure, he was hard on himself whenever he made some small mistake, but this was a new level. Was this what he always thought? That was a terrifying thought for Hana. She tried to come up with  reason as to why he would he would think this of himself.

Her mind wandered back to her conclusion back when he was still in the infirmary, and she was starting to worry that maybe she was actually right. Hana didn’t want to jump to conclusions on something like this but...when she might actually be right on this, she didn’t want to just sit by and let Subaki face it alone.

She couldn’t tell Sakura though. At least, not yet. Not until she had all of the facts. There was no point in worrying Sakura, no matter how much Hana wanted to tell her. There is still a chance that the conclusion Hana had come to was wrong, though it wasn’t very likely. For now, she would just keep an eye on Subaki. Just to make sure he was okay.

He wasn’t.

Not too long after that, Hana had gone to Suba’s room to go get him. She had only intended to ask ’ something, when she saw the door was partially open. She just walked in, thinking that Subaki wouldn’t mind. He had left the door open, which should have meant that it was okay to go in. She had walked in, expecting to see him reading or something of the like. She had not expected to see him with bloody arms and and a bloody dagger in his hand.

She screamed. She hadn’t meant to, but she did. He turned around suddenly, and she saw his eyes widen in shock. She realized. He hadn’t left the door open on purpose. Her eyes couldn’t stop staring at from his arms. While there were some fresh cuts, there were a lot more scars.

Oh gods...how long had he been doing this?

Hana remembered grabbing Subaki, by his shoulders, and asking, nearly screaming, why he would do this. Just why, why, why? He didn’t respond. His eyes were just...gods, his eyes...they were just blank. There wasn’t even the shock from earlier, they were just, blank. No emotion.

While Hana never found Subaki scary in the slightest before, she found that part of him fucking terrifying.

Eventually, she began just pulling him towards Sakura’s room. She had to get him to Sakura’s room. She just had to. Vaguely, she wondered why she hadn’t taken him to the infirmary instead. Perhaps it was just something inside of her that said taking him to the infirmary would be a bad idea.

Hana had a lot of tears in her eyes, and it just got worse when Subaki had insisted, in that “I’m perfectly fine” voice that he was perfectly fine. That she didn’t, she shouldn’t, worry about him this much. Hana had nearly yelled at him, of course she should worry! Of course she should worry, especially when she finds one of her closest friends...harming themselves. Her voice choked up, a lump forming in her throat. Oh gods, how long had he been doing this? How did they not notice?

Just-just how?

How could they have not noticed?

When she had finally gotten to Sakura’s room with Subaki, she began knocking on the door so hard, it would have seemed like she was trying to break it down. Sakura had opened it almost immediately, hearing how badly Hana was crying through the door. She was confused for a second, but as soon as her eyes landed on Subaki that confusion turned into complete and utter horror. Sakura had quickly gotten them both inside, tears starting to drip down her face as she ran to get one of the festals she kept in the room.

Sakura had done her best to heal the wounds but for some reason, they refused to heal completely. They left scars, just adding to the ones already on his arms. Hana had asked him. Sakura had too. Questions like why, or why would you do this, or why didn’t you say anything were common.

Subaki didn’t answer any of them.

For the next seven months, hell even now, Sakura and Hana had followed him, refusing to allow him be alone. Hana wasn’t sure if Subaki realized that they were following him. Most of the time, it was Hana who followed him since Sakura couldn’t leave the castle often. While they didn’t follow him as intently as before, they still did. It had been years, and he hasn’t done anything except go on an awful lot of flights.

Once, Hana had asked Hinoka if she knew what Subaki did on those flights. Hinoka said that he really just flew, not really doing anything. Sometimes, he’d just relax in some secluded meadow or clearing, but that was about it. When Hinoka had asked why she wanted to know, Hana quickly said she was only curious. It was good to know that he hadn’t gone back to...doing that. It was at the very least reassuring.

Hana had been worried about those flights. Subaki went on those flights extremely often, whenever he got the chance it seemed. Between battles, before curfew, in the early morning hours. He was always there before a battle began, so there was at least that. Once, Subaki had not yet returned from one of his flights, and they were going off to battle. Hana had been freaking out, conflicted whether she should tell Corrin and/or Sakura that Subaki was supposedly still out on one of his flights. She was about to do that when, lo and behold, Subaki got there. Hana hadn’t scolded him per say, but she had asked him where the hell he had been since they were about to march to battle.

Subaki simply apologized, and promised her that it wouldn’t happen again. And, for once in a long time, Hana could see that there was a truly genuine smile on his face. She was awestruck, not even thinking of the reason as to why he’d had such a genuine smile on his face  in favor of being pleased that he was even smiling like that at all.

Hana didn’t know why she felt concerned, deep down.

She should have been completely elated, happy that Subaki was able to smile so genuinely. She should have been so, so happy that Subaki was able to smile after all that he went through. But...But she didn’t. For some reason, she wasn’t entirely happy. For some damned reason…

She thought something was off.

Hana couldn’t figure it out. Why couldn’t she be completely happy that Subaki was okay now? Why oh why couldn’t she? As they started heading off towards the battle, Hana thought about it. Perhaps it was because she still didn’t know what it was that gave Subaki the ability to smile so genuinely.

Perhaps it was because she still didn’t know why Subaki wasn’t able to smile genuinely in the first place. Even though she had her suspicions after the, ‘incidents’, she didn’t want to think that was the case. Maybe it had been something else. Unfortunately, that was getting harder and harder to believe.

Hana kept a close eye on Subaki throughout the entire battle, and the rest of the war actually. She didn’t mention her worries to Sakura. No point getting Sakura worried over something that might not be(though it probably was) true. She did tell Sakura about Subaki finally, finally managing a genuine smile after so long. Sakura had nearly cried tears of joy. Later on, Hana saw Sakura hugging Subaki, with the latter looking quite confused as to why his liege was hugging him so tightly.

As the war dragged on, Hana noticed that Subaki seemed to be less, how to put it, stressed, in a way. It seemed as though a great weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Once again, Hana should have been elated that Subaki was feeling okay, that he was doing better-!

But once again, she felt as though something was off. She couldn’t quite place it but, something. Something was wrong, and she did not know what that something was.

It was getting harder and harder to believe that her suspicions weren’t right.

Hana watched Subaki closely for the rest of the war. He seemed okay. He didn’t go on too many of those flights anymore, which Hana guessed she shouldn’t have been so bothered by. It meant that he felt more relaxed, right? Then Hana would realize that he didn’t go on flights that often, he must be really...stressed out, for lack of a better term, when he did go on a flight. That just worried Hana further. And it just begged the question.

Was Subaki...truly, okay?

Sure, he smiled genuinely much more than before. And sure, he seemed less stressed out. And, sure, he seemed so much more relaxed and, dare she say it, carefree than before. He seemed much more cheerful, sure.

But, did that mean he was okay? Was he actually okay?

Hana would find out definitely, no matter how long it took. As fate would have it, she wasn’t able to find out until after the war. After the long, hard war, when they were finally able to go home to Hoshido, Hana asked him to meet his parents. She said it was because hey, she’s never met his parents before and he is her co-worker, so why not? Subaki had been reluctant, but eventually agreed. Hana took note of that.

Subaki had to first, go and see if it was okay with his parents. Hana, of course, followed him. She was extremely careful as to not be noticed by Subaki. And, it surprisingly worked. This, in itself, set some sort of alarm in her head. By now, Subaki would have called her out or at least looked in her direction. He didn’t do any of that. Was he that worried about seeing his parents after so long?

When Subaki stopped in front of a house that had quite a lot of detail put into it, Hana recognized it as the house she had first found Subaki in front of, the first time she saw him after him falling off of his pegasus. He seemed nervous, and Hana lingered back, simply watching to see what would happen. He knocked on the door, with a couple opening it.

They seemed to be happy to see him, their voices and smiles suggesting that they were just a pair of loving parents that were overjoyed to see that their son was home safe and sound. But their eyes. Hana couldn’t get their eyes out of her mind. They were cold, dead. Devoid of any love or joy that their son was home. Rather, they seemed almost...angry. Hana was just shocked, and she could feel her heart sinking. Her eyes trailed to Subaki and, for a split second, she saw something that she had almost never seen from the pegasus knight.

His eyes were just filled to the brim with pure terror, and Hana was equally horrified. Why, just why would Subaki look, even for a split second, so scared of his own parents? Hana put the pieces together…

...and once again, she was horrified at her own conclusion. Unlike last time, however, there was almost no doubt that her conclusion was correct. She felt a lump in her throat, and she had to cover her mouth to avoid making any sound. She still couldn’t let them know she was there.

Subaki was ‘welcomed’ inside by his parents, and the door closed behind him. Hana had quickly rushed over to the door, and tried listening in. What she heard horrified her. Subaki’s parents were...in her opinion, they shouldn’t have even been parents. They were even worse than those Faceless Nohr used to send after them, and that's saying something.

She quickly looked to see if there were any windows that she could look into, and there was one. She peeked inside cautiously, and her eyes widened in horror.

She saw Subaki fall to the floor, his so-called father standing over him, still yelling at him with his hand in a fist. Oh gods…

Oh gods-!

Hana wanted so badly to run in there and stop Subaki’s alleged parents from doing anything else to him, but she knew that she couldn’t. As much as it pained her, she just couldn’t. Who knew what could happen if Subaki realized that Hana had followed him. She thought back to when she had followed him the first time, after he went to see his parents the first time. He had said some horrid things about himself. Hana could actually feel tears threatening to fall from her eyes at the memory. Who knows what he might think if he knew that Hana was following him again.

She had to leave. She had to. She couldn’t watch it anymore. She had to tell Sakura. Sakura could stop this, she could stop all of this for good. Hana ran from the house, not even daring to look back. As she ran, she realized that this, those monsters for parents, they were the reason Subaki was the way he was. Tears actually did begin to fall from her eyes as she ran all the way to the castle.

Unfortunately, when Hana got there, she couldn’t find Sakura anywhere. All she could find was a note that said Sakura would be going to town with Corrin, needing to run some errands. Hana was about to run back to town to go search for her when, surprise, Sakura arrived at the castle. Hana had run to her, ready to tell her everything she saw.

Sakura had been startled by Hana’s current appearance, immediately telling Corrin that she and Hana had something they needed to talk about in private. Hana nearly ran to Sakura’s room, immediately telling Sakura everything as soon as the door was closed behind them. Sakura was understandably horrified and upset.

When Subaki did arrive back at the castle, his hair was covering his left eye. Sakura and Hana had decided that they wouldn’t say anything about what Hana had discovered, but Hana’s eyes couldn’t stop staring at where his hair was over his left eye. She knew why it was like that, and Sakura knew too. Hana had asked him why his hair was like that, seeing as how he didn’t have his hair in his face like that normally.

Of course he said that he just wanted to ‘try something new’.

Of course.

Sakura mentioned casually how she had never met Subaki’s parents, and that she wanted to meet them. Subaki had smiled(though Hana had noticed how it was a strained smile), saying that perhaps she could visit with Hana seeing as how Hana was going to meet his parents for the first time as well.

The day finally arrived when Sakura and Hana would officially meet Subaki’s parents. Hana was of course nervous, though there was a certain anger there as well. After all, these were the monsters that had driven Subaki into...gods, she didn’t even want to be reminded of it. It had been something she wanted to forget, but just couldn’t.

When they got to Subaki’s house, both Sakura and Hana noticed how Subaki had tensed up before relaxing(if you could call it relaxing) and knocking on the door. His parents had once again opened the door, and their voices and smiles said one thing. Their eyes, once again, said another. What was different this time was that they had smiled politely at both Hana and Sakura before welcoming all three inside.

Subaki’s mother had asked them both questions while Subaki simply listened, not saying anything.

Maybe he wasn’t allowed to, Hana thought.

Subaki’s mother had asked things like how Subaki did as a retainer, if Sakura was pleased with his performance, and if Hana ever was burdened because Subaki wasn’t doing his job properly. Sakura had answered yes, she was more than pleased with his performance. Hana answered no, she was never burdened with more work than necessary. His mother didn’t seem to believe them, but she accepted their answers anyway.

His father didn’t say a word, Hana noticed. The only thing that Hana noticed from him was the occasional glare he sent to Subaki. At these, Subaki would visibly shake for a second, which filled Hana with a certain kind of rage that she just couldn’t describe. She couldn’t do anything unfortunately. All she could do was sit there and watch as Subaki took the silent abuse. It was just...infuriating. Here was one of her closest friends being abused by his own parents and she couldn’t do anything about it!

Hana was certain that Sakura felt the same way. The expression Sakura wore said it all. Neither of Subaki’s parents said anything about it however. Subaki’s mother continued to ask questions, and they slowly went from being questions about how Subaki did as a retainer to questions about if Subaki made any mistakes, and how

bad those mistakes were. Hana, in response, slowly grew more horrified and equally angry. Then Subaki’s father asked something that crossed a certain line for the both of them.

He had asked if Subaki was still a screw up, if Sakura had made a mistake choosing him as a retainer.

All Hana saw was Subaki look at the ground, his one visible eye expressing his emotions perfectly. And that was when Sakura had stood up, surprising both of Subaki’s parents.

That had been one of the first and only times Hana had heard Sakura yelling at someone with such anger in her voice.

She had yelled at them, nearly screaming at them over how they treated their only son. If they were proud of themselves for being such monsters, and how, more of why actually, they could treat Subaki so badly. Hana had joined in then, in the same tone of voice, asking angrily what kind of monsters they could be to treat someone as amazing as Subaki was in such a horrid way. Out of the corner of her eye, Hana saw Subaki look up, genuinely confused. His eyes, well eye, basically asking why they were standing up for him like this.

It only filled Hana with more anger.

Once Hana and Sakura were done venting out their rage and disgust towards Subaki’s parents, they had grabbed Subaki and left. They walked back to the castle in silence, it only being broken when Subaki had asked why they stood up for him when his parents were right about him being a screw up. Sakura had actually stopped walking, turned around, hugged him tightly, and started crying her apologies. Subaki had been stunned, to say the least.

He asked why on earth Sakura was apologizing. It wasn’t her fault that he was a mistake. To that, Sakura only cried harder, and Hana tried to swallow the lump in her throat. Gods, what had those monsters done to him?

Sakura, through her tears, apologized for not realizing sooner what happened.

Subaki had gone silent, looking at Hana with a genuinely confused expression. That just broke the dam that was holding back her tears. As they dripped down her face, she choked out through her tears that he shouldn’t believe those monsters for parents.

Subaki hadn’t said anything. He was too shocked to say anything. Hana could see, for the first time since she'd met him, something dripping from his eyes down his face.

He was crying. Subaki was actually crying.

Once they got back to the castle, all three were careful to avoid the other inhabitants of the castle. None of them wanted to be asked questions as to why they were crying. That night, all three went to sleep, and had different nightmares.

Hana had dreamt of what could've happened if she never found Subaki all those years ago in his room...self-harming. She dreamt that Subaki would slowly spiral down further, still managing a ‘perfect’ image all the while. She dreamt that eventually, he would have spiraled down so far that he’d decide to end it all. As per usual, it was perfectly planned. She dreamt that she was the one who found his dead body. She awoke, having to cover her mouth with her hands before she could scream.

Oh gods, that had been so realistic. Hana struggled not to scream, tears blurring her eyes again. The image was still burned into her mind. Oh gods oh gods oh gods-

What if Subaki actually tried to end his life?

Hana couldn’t get back to sleep for the rest of the night. The thought haunted her. It wouldn’t be too unbelievable. Considering how much Subaki had been through, it wouldn’t be a complete shock. That was why it horrified Hana. There was that chance Subaki could still try something. That one chance. The fact that there was even a chance in the first place...it terrified her.

The next morning, Hana nearly ran to Subaki’s room, needing to reassure herself that he was okay. She found him still in bed, not even anywhere near awake. Still worried, she carefully approached his bed, and checked his pulse. For a scary moment, there was nothing. Then she felt it, and let out a sigh of relief. Thank the gods. She went back to her room and promptly fell asleep for another two, possibly three hours.

This routine continued for the next few days. Hana would go to sleep, have that same nightmare, be scared out of sleeping, go to Subaki’s room, make sure he was still alive, then she’d go back to her room and sleep. Hana couldn’t help it. She was just scared. Terrified even. She had good reason to be.

One day, she was heading over to Subaki’s room when she heard a loud thud come from said male’s room. Her heart began pounding loudly as she ran to Subaki’s room. Thoughts began racing through her mind. Oh gods, what if that was his body hitting the ground? Oh gods no, please, don’t-

She burst into Subaki’s room to find the latter collapsed on the floor in a pool of blood(his blood, she realized in horror), a small bloody knife having fallen a few feet away. Hana had grabbed Subaki, heart racing as she quickly rolled him onto his back, horrified at the sight. He had made several deep cuts on his arms, having passed out from blood loss. She screamed, loud enough apparently to wake up the entire hall.

Hinata had been the first to run in, sword drawn. The sword promptly fell to the floor as he stared, horrified. He ran off, yelling for someone, anyone to hurry the hell up and get to Subaki’s room and help him. Azama had run in, as if on cue, a festal in hand. He paled at the sight, his eternal smile having disappeared entirely as he worked to get the self-inflicted injuries under control. Hana had held her breath, knowing that Subaki was only just barely alive.

He could still die.

Azama did the best he could, taking out bandages he had and carefully bandaging Subaki’s arms. As soon as Subaki’s arms were bandaged, Azama had yelled for help in getting Subaki to the infirmary. Oboro had rushed forward, her expression horrified, extremely concerned, and terrified all at once. Hana was pretty sure that her face held the same expression. Saizo had rushed forward as well, his face unreadable. Hana was able to see the raw terror in his eyes as he rushed forward to help Oboro and Azama get Subaki to the infirmary.

Hana was left in Subaki’s room, alone. Setsuna had run in soon after, the normally ditzy archer alert and alarmed. Hana was pretty sure she could hear Kagero and Setsuna both trying to get her to stand up, and get cleaned up. Hana couldn’t stand up. Her legs refused to work. She could only stare at the small pool of blood that had stayed on the ground. She could only stare, her eyes wide in horror, at the blood staining her clothes.

His blood.

His blood was on her hands.

His blood stained her clothes.

Oh gods. Oh gods. Oh gods-!

What brought Hana back from her spiral downwards was Kagero shaking her by the shoulders, telling her to pull herself together. That she needed to stay together, she needed to be strong. For both Subaki and Sakura. That was what snapped her out of it.

Hana had to be strong. For both Subaki and Sakura. For two of the people she cared the most about. Gods, Sakura would be devastated.

She was. When Hana was finally able to get herself together and tell her, Sakura had been horrified, shocked, and had fallen to her knees crying. Hana soon joined her.

…

Two weeks.

Two weeks since Subaki had first gone to the infirmary and he still hadn’t woken up. The healers had said that they could only hope for the best. Hana was. And it didn’t seem to be working. She kept visiting him, day after day after day. Sure, the others visited when they could, some even bringing gifts, but none of them stayed as long as Hana did. Sakura would stay for as long as she could, but would ultimately have to leave since she was a princess, and princesses had duties other than praying for one of her closest friends to wake up. It was evident that she wished it wasn’t so.

Hana prayed for Subaki’s wellness for both Sakura and herself.

…

Hana had been in the infirmary when Subaki had woken up. She had been sitting right next to him when she first saw his eyes beginning to open. Hana had cried out in joy. The hope she had of him ever waking up had been dwindling as the days passed, but he woke up! He actually woke up. He’s alive. Thank the gods, he’s alive! Oh, thank the gods...

“..H...Hana? W...Where…?” Was the first thing he said, soon after he woke up. His voice was rough, hoarse after weeks of not being used.

Hana didn’t care. At least he was talking.

“Y-You’re in the infirmary...A-After what you…” she choked on her words, emotions flowing freely from her eyes.

Subaki had gone silent, staring at her. Hana wanted to start running out of the infirmary and scream to the rest of the castle that Subaki was alive. But she didn’t. Not yet.

“So….it didn’t work…” Subaki had nearly whispered.

She grabbed his hand. That got his attention, causing him to stare at her with wide eyes.

“Thank the GODS that it didn’t work! Why the HELL would you even try something like that?!” She yelled through her tears, not caring if anyone heard her cry. “Don’t you REALIZE how WORRIED we all were?!”

“Y...you were...I worried...why would you worry…?” he managed to say, his voice becoming quiet, sounding wobbly......and….gods, disappointed. Disappointed in himself.

“Of COURSE we’d worry! You’re one of my closest friends! You’re one of Lady Sakura’s closest friends! Why would you think we wouldn’t care?!”

“...I...I’m just...I’m just a screw up...something that...you should have just...stopped worrying about…”

“You are NOT! You’re so much more than that! Lady Sakura WILL agree with me when I say that you are PERFECT, no matter WHAT anyone else says!” Hana was struggling not to cause more tears to roll down her face. She had to tell him. She just had to, she just HAD to!

“...Sorry...about making you...you and Lady Sakura...making you both worry...over someone as...as useless...as me…” he mumbled. He started moving to sit up, and Hana pushed him back down. He can’t just try and walk away as if what… what he did never happened!

“Don’t apologize. You have no reason to apologize. The only thing that you would have to be sorry for is those sorry excuses for parents you have, okay?” She said, softly. She didn’t have the strength to yell anymore. All that strength went into not crying anymore than she already had.

He looked straight at her, his eyes brimming with tears. “I...I don’t...I don’t understand…” he said quietly, his gaze shifting to stare at his arms, which had been bandaged with clean bandages just yesterday.

“We care about you. Everybody cares about you. We all do...so don’t ever, EVER try something like that, okay?” Hana said, tears still falling from her eyes.

Subaki had gone back to staring at her. Neither said anything. The silence remained unbroken until it was completely shattered by Hinata, rushing into the infirmary. He heard the yelling from the training grounds outside and panicked. That panic subsided when he saw that Subaki was awake. He gasped and ran over to the bedridden man. He embraced the man, but soon after started drilling him with questions of why did had done this.

Oboro had run in soon after, her face lighting up when she saw that Subaki was awake. That smile faded almost at once as she joined Hinata in asking Subaki who the hell it was that drove him to do something like this.

One by one, the other retainers had walked into the infirmary, all ecstatic to see that Subaki was awake, and alive. Azama didn’t even make any rude comments. Hana guessed that it was a good thing, because if he said anything rude about Subaki, Hana was pretty sure she would have leapt at him and started screaming... What the hell was wrong with him? Not to mention that both Oboro and Hinata would’ve jumped him too.

Yeah… definitely a good thing.

Subaki was a bit overwhelmed by all of the concern he was getting. He tried to get them to calm the hell down. He wasn’t quite ready to tell them all why he had attempted to end his life, which Hinata, Oboro, and surprisingly enough Saizo reluctantly accepted. Hana knew. Hana knew, and she wanted to go up to those awful monsters and give them everything that they deserved.

She was about to tell them the reason as to why he had spiraled down so low when she was stopped. She felt a tug on the sleeve of the simple kimono she had been wearing. Hana had looked at Subaki to see that he was looking at her. While he wasn’t saying anything out loud, his eyes said everything.

“Don’t tell them. Not yet.”

Hana didn’t tell them. She knew what Subaki was asking. She didn’t want to, but she complied. She wanted to tell them what was happening. She wanted to tell them what happened. She wanted to tell them what had caused Subaki to attempt suicide. But she didn’t. She didn’t because Subaki wasn’t ready.

When they all left, leaving Hana and Subaki alone once again, Hana asked Subaki when he would tell them. Subaki only said that he might tell them one day, when he was ready. But that day was not today.

Sakura ran into the infirmary not too long after he said this, crying tears of joy. Subaki had been startled when Sakura hugged him tightly and began crying, yelling at him for doing something like that and worrying her like crazy. Simultaneously, she was crying out apologies for not being there for him when he needed her most, even though he was always there for her.

Subaki gave a her genuine smile, a real, genuine smile, then hugged her back and apologized. Hana had some extremely mixed feelings about this.

While Subaki was clear to leave the infirmary after about a week, Sakura made him stay for about two weeks longer. Sakura had said it had been to make sure he was really all healed up. Subaki didn’t complain, although he was anxious to get back to performing his duties. He was visited by the other retainers often, which seemed to distract him from the situation.

Hana decided this was a good thing.

Once Subaki was allowed out of the infirmary, everyone did their best to keep Subaki from spiraling downward back into those depressing thoughts. They made sure Subaki was never alone to spiral down, and if he ever did, they’d bring him back up.

Once Sakura was watching Subaki train when suddenly he just stopped moving, just standing there. Concerned, Sakura had run up to him and asked him what was wrong. He had looked at her, and asked her if she was only keeping him around out of pity. Sakura had hugged him tightly, saying how she kept him because he and Hana were the greatest retainers anyone could ask for. That had snapped Subaki out of it, and he gave her a smile and went back to training while Sakura went back to watching.

Over the months, Subaki began smiling genuinely a lot more now, and this time, Hana didn’t feel like there was anything off about it. She felt what she could only describe as something along the lines of elation, that Subaki was truly okay now. Sure, he spiraled downwards every now and then, but he’d always be helped back up out of the deep dark pit that was his thoughts. Still, Hana could tell that there was something inside of him that was just waiting to be said, waiting to be thought, but she couldn’t quite place what it was.

Hana wasn’t sure who exactly came up with the idea. She was pretty sure it was Hinata, considering the stupidity of it. Then again, it could have been Azama. He was just as likely to come up with such a stupid idea. Though it was almost certainly Hinata. What was this stupid idea, you might ask?

It was to reorganize the armory completely. While this wouldn’t have been an issue normally, the culprit didn’t tell anyone about it, not to mention that the armory had been reorganized in such a way that _LITERALLY NO ONE_ could find their weapons. Hana could immediately tell Subaki was starting to feel upset with himself for not even being able to find his own weapon, and that’s what pissed her off about the entire situation. It wasn’t helping Subaki whatsoever, in fact, it was making him feel worse!

When Hana saw that Hinata was the only one could actually find his weapon, she decided to have a chat with him.

She dragged him out of earshot of the other retainers before proceeding to ask him if he was the one to reorganize the armory. When he replied yes with a grin, Hana couldn’t make herself yell at him. Instead, she whispered furiously about how, for one, no one could find their weapons, and two, his stupid idea wasn’t helping Subaki at all. In fact, it was making things worse for him! She saw his eyes widen in shock, probably because he hadn’t noticed.

When they both returned, they found everyone training with their weapons and Subaki standing off to the side with his naginata, a small smile on his face. Hana gestured for Hinata to join the others as she approached Subaki herself. When she stood in front of him, Subaki had looked up at her and smiled, handing her the katana Hana had been using to practice for the past few weeks.

Hana stared at the pegasus knight in confusion for a few moments before asking how he found all of their weapons. Subaki answered(with a pleased grin on his face, Hana noticed), that he figured out how the armory had been reorganized and found each person’s practice weapon according to it.

She had been certainly surprised. Maybe Hinata’s stupid idea hadn’t been such a stupid idea after all.

Over the next few weeks, Subaki slowly told the other retainers what had happened that caused him to attempt suicide. All of them were angry, furious over the reason, though they all showed it in different ways. Hana wasn’t sure what Oboro had been thinking when Subaki told her the entire story, but judging by the look on her face, Hana was pretty sure Oboro was quite possibly planning a murder against Subaki’s parents.

While it took him a long time to realize it, with all the help of the others, Subaki learned that he was human. He learned that humans do make mistakes. He learned that it was okay to make one every now and then. Subaki took that to heart, and while he still strived to be the best retainer he could for Sakura, he didn’t berate himself over every small mistake that he made. He wasn’t as hard on himself, and he seemed a lot less stressed out.

Hana knew.

Sakura knew.

It may have taken a few years, but it was time well spent.

Subaki was finally happy.

He was finally, _truly_ happy.


End file.
